Welcome to The Scoop!

The Scoop’s objective is to deliver a juxtaposed mess of nonsense. The links are real, but the story is not. Let’s begin.

Dear Diary,

I can’t sleep, and I don’t understand why. At first I thought I was having too much stress, or maybe something is wrong with my routine, but nothing in my life has changed. Every night before I go to bed, I turn up the temperature to 85 degrees Fahrenheit, I redirect my two 225 Watt spotlights to point directly at my face, and I eat three cans of tuna fish. I think I’ll e-mail my congressman and suggest that he have some government agency give me some advice.

I think maybe my non-sleepiness genes were also passed to my cousin’s baby, because she sure can’t get to sleep either. She is 22 weeks old and still has never slept all the way through the night. When she was still only a few weeks old, I suggested to my cousin that she should run at full pace to her baby and immediately start breast feeding whenever the baby cried at night. Maybe I gave her bad advice? I doubt it, I’m smert.

More patience, that is what I need in my life. Instead of bitching and moaning about my problems, I need to learn to just wait and let things take care of themselves. If I’m lucky, maybe some person or organization will recognize my new-found patience and give me an award. I doubt it, if there was such an award, I bet it was already given out. Regardless, just to prove to myself that I can wait as well as the next fellow, I think I’ll just sit here at my computer terminal for 18 hours without moving my lower extremities. Why shouldn’t my legs get a break anyways?

One final thought, diary, and then I won’t make a peep. I like candy. Thanks for listening, diary. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

signed,
chia