code blog: tales of a nurse

Donna, RN writes:

A young man died this weekend. He had a loving wife and a bouncing 10-month-old baby girl. Like all of us, he had a promising life, with many friends, many challenges, many opportunities and many wonderful dreams.

He came to us ill, but strong willed and hopeful. He had a medical team that was strong willed and hopeful. He had a family that was strong willed and hopeful, he had nurses that were strong willed and hopeful.

And yet, this young man died this weekend.

That day, amidst the turmoil and growing clutter of medical equipment crowding his ever shrinking hospital room there was a sense of collaboration, creativity, intelligence, hope and humanity.

It was the humanity that I clung to as we brought in the crash cart and began the final battle for his life.

He was young, maybe he could make it.

I let hope push back reality. Denial gave strength to our chest compressions. He was young, and his young daughter's picture on the wall facing him gave that much more hope so I wouldn't face despair.

We battled for him, with drugs, ventilation, compressions, anything and everything we had. We collaborated and encouraged each other. As I was getting exhausted from my turn at compressions, I felt the humanity in the room around me, and I heard myself saying, "Come on, M." as I looked at his face and into his young eyes. The words felt naive and innocent, yet I had to give him the humanity and dignity of his fight. I knew I was saying goodbye.

This young man died this weekend. We all felt wounded as we were ripped from a delicate fabric, fraying ends weaving a bad dream. The nightmare for his wife and family had just begun.

It was cathartic to remove the signs of battle from that room, to restore calm and dignity to him and for his family. The emotional resonance of his death was palpable throughout the unit, as tears, anger, hugs and quiet sighs prevailed.

A young man died this weekend, and he put life and all its wonder into grand perspective.

I embrace the pitfalls, the pettiness, and the disappointments life can harbor, as the brighter, grander enlightenments of life prevail. The chubby hand of my granddaughter, the fighting heart of my biking husband, my dog's warm, wet tongue, the "volunteer" rose that grew up amongst the lavender. These are what matters in life. This is the symphony that blends discord and harmony. Anything else is just so much noise.

A young man died this weekend, And he reminded me to let my heart sing.